Billy Peltzer, what a curly headed bastard he turned out to be, but I am getting ahead of myself, lets go back to where it all began.
Billy’s father, a retarded inventor of shit gadgets (I will get onto those soon) is looking for a gift for his son, Billy. He wants something different though, because Billy is a spoilt 30 year old teenager, who will cry like a little fuck if he doesn’t get what he wants. God, I hate that kid. So, the inventor stumbles upon a seedy little place in China town that caters for his son’s more carnal desires. It’s here that Randal, Billy’s father, discovers a mutant creature known as a Mogwai.
When Randall asks for the beast he is told by a Chinese man that he can’t have it as there is too much responsibility in owning such an abomination.
“Give me the fucking Mogwai before I cut your kid up,” screams Randall, as he grabs the throat of a Chinese boy. “So help me God, I will cut this kid to fucking pieces if you do not just hand over the God damn Mogwai!”
Reluctantly the owner of the shop hands over the ornate box, containing the Mogwai. Randall laughs like a lunatic, breaks wind and punches the Chinese boy right in the eye socket.
Billy is like a rampant dog waiting for his owners shin and calf, and when his dad walks in through the front door of the house, he bounds over and begins to lick him frantically.
“Now, listen boy!” shouts Randall, still being unreasonably aggressive, “this fucking thing is like no God damn little chimp I have ever seen before.” He tosses the box containing the Mogwai across the room and against the wall, a heavily concussed creature stumbles out, shits on the floor and collapses in a pool of its own piss. Immediately it begins to bubble and a load of other Mogwais pop out of it. Randall tears his shirt off and begins to eat the half formed Mogwais and burps the alphabet after each one. Billy manages to stop his father from consuming any more of the creatures and puts them all in his pocket before running to his room, crying.
Billy picks up the original Mogwai and kisses it’s lips before dubbing it Gizmo. There is a graphic love-making scene with Billy and his new pet. As Billy and Gizmo consummate their friendship, the other creatures that escaped being devoured by Randall, eat a load of chicken and turn into greasy cocoons.
The next day, Billy heads to school and give’s his teacher a Mogwai. Instantly and for no reason at all the Mogwai turns into a cocoon. Billy thinks nothing of it and leaves the teacher alone with the thing. The cocoon busts open and a creature comes out of it with red eyes, massive claws, really sharp teeth and a vicious attitude. Due to these characteristics and it’s appearance it is only natural that the teacher offers the monster his hand to eat. He is instantly dragged under a table and consumed.
Billy’s mum is listening to Christmas songs when she hears a bunch of growling sounds and grunts like bearcats. Her hair is really curly. Not really that bothered by the Gremlins, Billy’s mum continues to make tiny little cakes and sausage rolls, all the while she is planning on how she will kill her husband, Randall. BANG! A smack to the chops with a microwave soon breaks the murderous thoughts in her head and she falls to the floor. When she wakes up, an hour later, she has been nailed via her lips to a hovercraft.
Billy leaves a trail of ham to a local cinema and quickly every Gremlin follows the pig trail. Seated and eating pop corn, the pornographic version of Snow White begins, the screen adorn with a midget gangbang. The Gremlins LOVE it, but do not like it when the cinema explodes thanks to Billy filling the place with gas from his girlfriend.
Not all of the creatures are killed, one of them, named Stripe, because he is covered in spots, manages to get away from the blast and runs off to a toy shop where he hides under a bin. Billy, just in a bra now, runs to the shop clutching his girlfriends scalp like a bloody wig, and kicks the door in. He fills Gizmo with acid and throws him at Stripe, misses, and hits a switch. The roof opens, sunlight blasts in and Stripe melts like mozzarella in the middle of a drought. Billy dies from an STD, his father is arrested for GBH and his mother is last seen being dragged down the street by the hovercraft, weeping about her lip.
Gremlins is a brilliant film to watch if you like Gremlins.
What this movie if you like:
Dogs being hung with Christmas lights
A sour/bitter fuck-head of a woman being flung through a window via her stairchair.
Bathroom Buddy: A small plastic tube that is inserted into the kidney, through the skin.
Smokeless Ashtray: A small plastic tube that is inserted into the kidney, through the skin.
I give this film 89 out of 94
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